Thoughts, Quotes and Definitions

[Random Thoughts][NEW! More Random Thoughts]
[Special Thoughts][Web Industry Terminology]

Random Thoughts

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If at first you don't succeeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you....

More Random Thoughts

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
All men are idiots ... I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply.
I.R.S. (Inland Revenue): We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Cat... the other white meat.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Work hard and get rich ---- annoy a Liberal
Honk if you're cute, Bark if you're not!

Special Thoughts

Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
You have the right to remain silent...
Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

Link Rot

The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as the sites they're connected to change location or die.

Chip Jewelry

A euphemism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."

Crapplet

A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"

Plug-and-Play

A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is great. He's totally plug-and-play."

World Wide Wait

The real meaning of WWW.

CGI Joe

A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Dorito Syndrome

Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."

Under Mouse Arrest

Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."

Glazing

Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"

404

Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message "404, URL Not Found," meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."

Dead Tree Edition

The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the Wall Street Journal..."

Egosurfing

Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers looking for the mention of your name.

Graybar Land

The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."

Open-Collar Workers

People who work at home or telecommute.

Squirt The Bird

To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"

Brain Fart

A biproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly. A burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.

Cobweb Site

A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page.

It's a Feature

From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.

Keyboard Plaque

The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."

Career-Limiting Move (CLM)

Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Elvis Year

The peak year of something's popularity. "Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."

Alpha Geek

The most knowledgable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

Adminisphere

The rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Tourists

People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."

Blowing Your Buffer

Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn, I just blew my buffer!"

Gray Matter

Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.

Bookmark

To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph."

Nyetscape

Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.

Beepilepsy

The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

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